For as long as I can remember, I’ve dreamed of being cast in ‘The Real Housewives’.
But Andy Cohen won’t call, email, or DM me back.
Thankfully, ‘Beverly Hills’ star Sutton Stracke took pity on me—and my wardrobe—and welcomed me to her titular boutique, where she styled me for a ‘RHOBH’ boozy brunch, tropical cast trip, and nerve-wracking reunion… you know, in case Andrew ever comes back.
I had never been to SUTTON, located in the heart of West Hollywood, but I was more than excited to visit – especially as I am now nine years too old for my favorite clothing store, Forever 21.
The moment I set foot in the elegant yet eclectic store, I knew I was in for a good time. You see, Sutton and I are very similar in that we wear what we like, and not necessarily what’s “on trend.”
SUTTON is a ‘concept store’ meaning everything from the merchandise to the furniture and even the art on the walls – much of which is unique – is for sale.
After giving me a tour (and breaking my heart by revealing that the yellow strapless Alexis Mabille number on the front of the store would cost me $2,200), Sutton was ready to dress me down to the last detail.
The first was brunch, which the Augusta, Georgia resident warned is “always a little scary because you never know what’s going to happen.”
Since it’s still summer, Sutton decided an all-white ensemble would go with some bacon and eggs with the girls. Of course, she assumed I wouldn’t spill a Bloody Mary on myself — or that one of her co-stars would throw one at me.
While my Cuban bum struggled to get into the SPRWMN White Leather Pants ($1250) she picked, I have to admit they felt ravishing.
Sutton paired the buttery bottoms with a super soft and breezy Amber Sakai top with a tie back ($85), which was both cute and functional for the occasion, and added extra glamor with a variety of antique-looking Suzanne Wilson necklaces ($4,375).
One thing about me: I like a pop of color! Sutton capped off my brunch with a bright pink Perrin Paris basket purse ($1,600), which I held out as a CGI diamond in case Bravo needed to see what I’d look like as a full-time cast member.
Next up was the tropical cast’s trip to an unknown destination, where Sutton assured me I would travel on her—not Diana Jenkins’—private jet.
“This is when it gets very dangerous. The cast trips are the scariest,” she warned me, just moments before making me put on a white bathing suit and walk into a room full of fully clothed strangers.
Despite my desire to jump out of that fitting room and into one of Lisa Vanderpump’s nearby bars, I loved the look! Sutton paired the Le Swim one-piece (bless her) style ($300) with a purple striped SPRWMN button placket ($310), which she tied very carefully around my waist.
She then clamped a beautiful but staggeringly expensive Amedeo elephant cameo necklace ($15,995) around my neck before handing me some much-needed (though not-Rinna) steede in a Murano fish glass (set of six: $3,400).
“You’ll need it,” Sutton said of my unexpected daytime treat, telling me it was now time to get “slaughtered” at the reunion.
I’m sorry, but even if Erika Jayne read me for filth on those dreaded couches, I’d at least come out a bomb!
Sutton did good with this look. She re-dressed me with things I would never choose on my own, and suggested I try a royal blue cashmere dress from her own collection ($1,100). Not only was it insanely soft, but it was also quite flattering!
She made sure I was both “comfortable” and “sparkling” by giving me the most incredible Alan Anderson jewelry to wear with the dress.
Moderation? Never heard of her. Sutton selected over-the-top clear crystal earrings ($295), a long pendant necklace with a giant emerald green stone ($495) and a chunky crystal cuff bracelet ($795) — just in case I need it. (Editor’s Note: She’s kidding. We don’t condone violence of any kind.)
“I think you’re an official ‘housewife’ now!” Sutton said about my reunion look.
As phenomenal as it was to hear those words come from the star of the franchise, I knew I wouldn’t stand a chance without a great slogan.
Holding up the Asscher-cut simulated diamond ring ($1,750) that Sutton had placed on my poorly manicured finger, I peered straight into the soul of our wonderful cameraman and said, “They say everything that sparkles isn’t always diamonds, but in my world it is. ”
See you all on “RHOBH” Season 13!